| 1 | I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
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| 2 | Wit is educated insolence. |
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| 3 | What do you get when you cross an Iraqi and a dog? An Iraqi. |
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| 4 | Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror. |
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| 5 | If all the girls in Australia were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised. |
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| 6 | WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. |
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| 7 | If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? |
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| 8 | My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. |
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| 9 | The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking. |
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| 10 | Viewer discretion may be advised, but it's never really expected. |
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| 11 | What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. |
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| 12 | Those who admire the freedom of birds have never built a nest. |
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| 13 | The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
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| 14 | Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics. |
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| 15 | A true friend stabs you in the front.
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| 16 | I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. |
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| 17 | If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. |
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| 18 | There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? |
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| 19 | The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one. |
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| 20 | Failure is no more fatal than success is permanent. |
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