Funniest One Liners!

1Bad planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part. Share on Facebook      
2A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. Share on Facebook      
3Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? Share on Facebook      
4You know it is time to go on a diet when your pager goes off and you can't feel the vibration. Share on Facebook      
5Monday is the root of all evil. Share on Facebook      
6Truth is all a lie. Share on Facebook      
7It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless! Share on Facebook      
8An alcoholic is an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Share on Facebook      
9Anything is easier to take apart than to put together. Share on Facebook      
10My uncle survived the sinking of the Titanic... he grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore. Share on Facebook      
11Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. Share on Facebook      
12My nipples explode with delight. Share on Facebook      
13I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, "Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?" So I said, "Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far." Share on Facebook      
14I've got a wonderful doctor. If you can't afford the operation, he touches up the X rays. Share on Facebook      
15I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there. Share on Facebook      
16The definition of "henpecked." : A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife. Share on Facebook      
17Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. Share on Facebook      
18Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids. Share on Facebook      
19Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Share on Facebook      
20The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Share on Facebook