| 1 | When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass. |
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| 2 | I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep. |
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| 3 | I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. |
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| 4 | High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail. |
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| 5 | Recently I performed at an animal rights barbecue. |
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| 6 | Universal truth: One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
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| 7 | Universal truth: Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
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| 8 | Cannot find REALITY.SYS...Universe halted. |
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| 9 | I have an alien name Westly. He tells me to burn things. Isn't that funny? |
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| 10 | A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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| 11 | A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." |
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| 12 | Universal truth: People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
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| 13 | I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease...children. |
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| 14 | If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? |
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| 15 | A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on. |
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| 16 | To me, good exercise is soaking in a tub, pulling the plug, and fighting the current ! |
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| 17 | I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. |
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| 18 | I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. |
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| 19 | Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
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| 20 | How come wrong numbers are never busy? |
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