Funniest One Liners!

1I like to leave messages before the beep. Share on Facebook      
2A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it." Share on Facebook      
3Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your own way. Share on Facebook      
4Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded. Share on Facebook      
5I may not be Mr. Right, but I'll do ya until he shows up. Share on Facebook      
6She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized. Share on Facebook      
7If the shoe fits, buy it. Share on Facebook      
8Second place is the first loser. Share on Facebook      
9I have an existential map, it has 'you are here' written all over it. Share on Facebook      
10The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. Share on Facebook      
11It is not the end of the world, but you can see it from there. Share on Facebook      
12If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Share on Facebook      
13A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. Share on Facebook      
14Roses are red, bullets are lead, you better love me, or I'll shoot you in the head. Share on Facebook      
15I saw a sign on the back of a dump truck that said: "Happiness is getting your load off." Share on Facebook      
16If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight? Share on Facebook      
17A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Share on Facebook      
18For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. Share on Facebook      
19I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. Share on Facebook      
20They say that money is not the key to happiness. If I had lots of money, I'd have the key made. Share on Facebook