| 1 | Divorce is like Espresso, expensive and bitter. |
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| 2 | When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. |
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| 3 | A man is as old as the woman he feels.
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| 4 | If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. |
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| 5 | Show me a child who doesn't play with toys, and I'll show you a father who's not done with them yet. |
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| 6 | In the event of war, I'm a hostage. |
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| 7 | When there's a will, I want to be in it. |
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| 8 | Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. |
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| 9 | In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. |
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| 10 | You can't train a horse with shouts, and expect it to obey a whisper. |
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| 11 | Your body would look good in my trunk.
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| 12 | Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it. |
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| 13 | When people are free to do what they want they usually imitate one another. |
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| 14 | The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. |
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| 15 | My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. |
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| 16 | Most public figures are really mechanical constructs, like small battlemechs that look really human, being driven by teams of rabid chipmunks. The chipmunks are trained at Quantico in a special school, costing taxpayers billions of dollars every year. This is why television is so endlessly fascinating. |
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| 17 | There are two reasons why some folks don't mind their own business. No mind, No business. |
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| 18 | The difference between secretaries and wives is: Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home. |
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| 19 | You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? |
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| 20 | How come you've never seen a plumber bite his nails? |
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