| 1 | There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. |
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| 2 | Eat right, exercise, die anyway. |
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| 3 | I put the TV on mute, but the O'Reilly Factor still woke me up from my nap. |
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| 4 | Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. |
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| 5 | If you decide not to choose then you've already made the wrong choice! |
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| 6 | Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines? |
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| 7 | Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. |
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| 8 | If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. |
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| 9 | Don't be afraid of the dark, be afraid of what it hides... |
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| 10 | I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' |
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| 11 | The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. |
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| 12 | Consultant: Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
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| 13 | When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. |
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| 14 | I feel like the whole world is a car wash and I'm riding a bike. |
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| 15 | A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggresively. The barman says "All right, I'll serve you... but don't start anything."
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| 16 | It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done. |
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| 17 | I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. |
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| 18 | If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. |
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| 19 | The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it. |
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| 20 | Wise men talk because they have something to say, Fools talk because they have to say something.
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