Funniest One Liners!

1You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future. Share on Facebook      
2It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living. Share on Facebook      
3People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses. Share on Facebook      
4Patriot: a person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about. Share on Facebook      
5I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. Share on Facebook      
6I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Share on Facebook      
7It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point ! Share on Facebook      
8Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words. Share on Facebook      
9Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1? Share on Facebook      
10I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Share on Facebook      
11Hey Champ! I knew your wife was a real swinger, but I never knew she was a hooker too! Share on Facebook      
12By learning to obey, you will know how to command. Share on Facebook      
13Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines? Share on Facebook      
14I was born cesarean. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go out through the window. Share on Facebook      
15I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to have to see you everyday Share on Facebook      
16You're so ugly, a canibal would take one look at you, and order salad. Share on Facebook      
17I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, "That sounds like a fair exchange". Share on Facebook      
18If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter? Share on Facebook      
19A moment on the lips; an eternity on the hips. Share on Facebook      
20If love isn't a game, why are there so many players? Share on Facebook